Strande Spanks Barbarians (sorry, no pictures)

Blogfather Jon Strande to Capital One:
"Dear Capital One,

Thank you so much for continuing your correspondence, your persistence in this matter is to be commended. Most people would have given up on me by now, but not you. Your optimism that I may write or call you one day is astonishing... especially given the fact that I don't think I've given any indication that I will. I've been trying to figure out what I did or said that would cause you to have such expectations.

Oh, that's right. I didn't do anything.

Somehow you got my name... and you somehow feel that gives you permission to write me every week, sometimes twice a week. Somehow you feel that you have the right to waste my time. Somehow you feel you have the right waste all the electricity my paper shredder uses eating your junk. Somehow you feel that you have the right to waste the all that paper with your "generous" offers.

You don't.

If I wasn't interested in your service the first, second or 100th time you wrote me, what on earth gives you the hope that the 101st or more might interest me?

I do, however, have something (besides my wallet) that might interest you.. an idea: instead of spending all that money on mailing lists, paper, people stuffing envelopes, and postage, why not do something worth talking about instead? Why not randomly pay peoples bills for them (don't advertise it, just do it)? Why not commit all the cash you spend on marketing to prevent identity theft? Why not allow people to put a certain percentage of their "rewards" to some worthwhile charity and provide matching dollars?"
That last set of suggestions was blindingly brilliant. Bravo, Jon! And encore please!!

posted by Mike at 11:05 PM


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mike, blindingly brilliant? Yikes, how do I live up to that in an encore? ;-)

Seriously, we've got end of year reviews going on at work, could you please explain my brilliance to my boss? I'd like a big fat chunky raise! Oh, and that empty office with the nice wood furniture would be nice as well... DOH!

Really though, if I had a nickel for every direct mail piece I got from a credit card company, I'd have at least 4 pounds 73... (what was that monty python joke?)

Okay, enough tom foolery, thanks for the kind words! You are too nice!

2:55 AM  
Blogger Mike said...


How about this:

"To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing you in reference to Mr. Jon Strande, your most valuable employee. While it is customary to gather references when hiring an individual, it is rather less customary to gather similar testimonials in judging performance on the job. Consider this my contribution to your growing acumen as a business leader.

Mr. Strande's work this year has been exemplary. His pilfering of office supplies is down 23% vs. last year (a personal best), and he has exceeded his quota of chain-letters and humorous jpeg e-mails in each of the last three quarters! I believe these achievements show the kind of dedication and initiative that Jon brings to the job!

But Mr. Strande has great untapped potential, which could easily be unleashed by dramatically increasing his compensation and by locating him in a nice office with wooden furniture (just don't allow him to bring any combustibles into the office; trust me on this one). I am sure you will agree that Jon's stellar performance vs. his objectives merits these actions.

Warmest Regards,


I can have one typed up on letterhead if you like.

8:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I love it! Thank you! I've just printed this out and left it on my bosses desk... along with a pack of matches... oh, better go take those back... ;-)

8:11 AM  
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5:15 AM  
Anonymous Russell Richardson said...

This is want happened to me with capital one i kept on getting mail with pre-approved credit cards and having to cut them all up everytime.

1:02 AM  

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